It has officially been five full months since I last wrote on this blog. That is, without a doubt, an extremely long time between posts! I have numerous explanations I could make, abundant excuses to submit, and plenteous details to frame why I've been silent for so long. But, as usual, the plain truth is best.
I've been silent because I've been sick. Sick of the excuses Dale makes why he doesn't try to keep up with his exercises, sick of trying to explain the ways of the Almighty to those who don't want to hear the truth, sick of working so hard to help my family see God's faithfulness in the midst of our daily struggles, and actually physically sick with a pretty bad cold.
Do you ever get that way? Just sick of trying so hard at life and absolutely getting nowhere? Feeling like you're slogging through thick, black mud; not understanding why life has to be so hard; alternating between begging God for help---and answers---and not bothering to even think a prayer because you feel as though He's not listening anyway? Yeah, that's about it.
Trust me---you're not the only one feeling like that. I can't tell you how many times I have had to convince myself to just keep trusting God. I can't keep count of how many times I've felt like a hypocrite at church, smiling widely and praising God while my heart aches and my shoulders sag because of the burdens our family bears. Time and again, I've felt like such a phony because I'm talking to my kids, reminding them that God is good and we can trust Him to make good come from anything, and the voice in my head is contradicting every single sentence I'm uttering.
But let me remind you: We only fail when we quit. We only lose the fight when we stop fighting. We only fail when we quit letting God work. And the wonderful part is....just because we quit doesn't mean we're done for good. We can quit trying, quit fighting, quit believing; and then we can start again. Rejoin the fight. Decide to believe again. Choose one more time to keep going. All we have to do is get up one time more than we fall down. All we have to do is start over one time more than we give up in defeat. You see, our God is amazing. He is loving and kind and forgiving. Don't you know He knows how frail we are? Don't you realize He knows how weak we are, how susceptible to the enemy's vile whisperings we are, how easy it is for us to sink under the overwhelming hardships of everyday life? He is very aware of the temptations we face and the desire we have to just be done with it all, and He has promised never to leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). God stays right there next to us, within arm's reach, never more than a breath away. He never leaves us, even when we're done with Him. When we rail at God, when we accuse Him of being deliberately cruel, when we think He doesn't care, when we just don't care any more, when we are at our lowest low, He is there. Sometimes audibly through a friend's voice or a sermon or song; sometimes silently, just waiting there; ofttimes hurting, crying, right along with us. Why would we ever think He doesn't care about us? God sent His Son to Earth to die for us. Of course, He loves us and wants to help us with our troubles. We are the ones who doubt and struggle and turn away. We are the ones who assign human emotions and human failings to our omnipotent, never changing, always loving Heavenly Father. We are the ones who lose faith and then believe God did, too. No, our God is faithful and good, and He is ever mindful of our needs, big and small. As often as our problems dance before our eyes, we need to remind ourselves that our God is worthy of our trust. Each time we face yet another struggle with doubt and despair, we must choose to believe God is able to fulfill His promise in Romans 8:28 to make all things work together for our good. That doesn't necessarily mean we'll see how things can be good; we may never understand why God allows certain difficulties into our lives, but we can believe that He knows why those things are for our good.
Concerning Dale's actual condition, he is steadily losing ability. Since his graduation last June, he has lost much of his desire to continue trying. Just like the rest of us, he is realizing just how bleak his future looks. He was fairly social, going to school and church and youth activities and family outings. But now his world has shrunk to just church services and the occasional family trip. He has exercise tools at his disposal (weights, strength balls, stretching bands, etc.) so that he can keep up his strength and muscle tone; but most days he chooses not to use those tools. Instead, Dale spends much of his time either on his iPad playing video games or watching TV. His reason for his deliberate decision to give up trying to improve physically? "Why bother? It won't do any good." We've pleaded with him, scolded him, cajoled him, cried with him, begged him, yelled at him, bargained with him, argued with him---all to no avail. The "talks" to try to encourage him inevitably turn into tears and anger because Dale is just about as stubborn as one can get. He has decided he doesn't want to put forth any more effort that, in his mind, will get him nowhere; and no amount of persuasive arguing or bargaining or pleading has gotten through.
Dale honestly just wants to be done with this life. He wants to go to Heaven where he will be able to walk again and move freely and run and move without falling. He's so done with trying and struggling....and failing. Every conversation we have with him ends with the same declaration: He just wants it to be over. We've tried reminding him of past successes with exercising and walking; we've tried reminding him that, six months ago before he gave up completely on trying to improve, he was doing better than he is now; we've tried arguing that he can't just give up now and wait to die because he might live for another sixty years! Dale admits that he's gotten worse physically since he completely gave up; he is willing to concede that simply standing up requires concentrated effort now; he knows that he shakes and falls and struggles so much more now than he did even six months ago. But he just doesn't care any more. He's done. Even the realization that he is making caring for him so much harder now does nothing to stir him from his chair. Even knowing the stress we endure because of his declining condition and the physical pain we suffer from supporting his frame as we walk with him and the sharpened senses we've developed to be aware of his jerking and catch him before he falls doesn't change his attitude or his decision. He's simply done.
To those readers who might think we're letting our son down by not forcing him to exercise, signing him up for biweekly physical therapy, enrolling him in some college course, or quitting our jobs to stay home to nurture and care for him, please understand that we've tried. Dale is an adult now and cannot be forced to do things he doesn't want to do. He is in a low place with no hope for a future that looks at all worth living for. We have tried numerous times and ways to find things Dale can still do or enjoy, but each time he jerks or falls or struggles, the idea that "he can't" is strengthened in his mind and he resolves even more strongly to just stop trying. We've looked into college, but Dale struggled to complete his high school courses; he can't take notes in a classroom setting or even just listen to the instructor without losing his train of thought. His capacity for memorizing and taking tests is very limited as well. He isn't retarded (I hate using that word!), just limited. He also cannot get himself around very well, even in a wheelchair; his arms and legs jerk almost uncontrollably, and that jerking lately has led to a couple of serious seizures. So he would need someone with him everywhere he goes, to assist him if he begins jerking or falling. We've looked into physical therapy, but our insurance only pays for a half dozen appointments per year; it honestly wouldn't do Dale any good to go to one appointment every two months, especially when he won't keep up with any exercises at home. Trust me, we've tried. As for quitting my job to stay home with him, well, it may come to that. Half my mind tells me to care for the ones God has given me to care for, even if the caring extends beyond the normal amount of years. The other half tells me that staying home with my son wouldn't change much in his world, except perhaps inciting more arguments when he won't do any exercises and won't even try. I love teaching and love being at school, but I've considered giving up my job in order to focus more on my son. We do have other children to pay attention to, though, so Dale can't have our undivided focus.
Lost in all of this is our childlike faith in the perfectness of God's ways. We have gone from being that family that said, "Whatever You choose, Lord, we will trust You," to now saying, "Why, Lord, did You allow this? What are we supposed to do now?" It was almost easy to trust God when circumstances were out of our control---the drowning and aftereffects, compared to now when the circumstances are very much in Dale's control and he chooses to just quit trying. We are finding it much more difficult to keep trusting God's plan when we feel like, if Dale would just try, things would be so much easier. I'm certain we are not the first family to ever face this particular giant of despair, and we won't be the last. I pray that my girls, older and younger, will continue to trust God's unseen hand and serve Him regardless of the difficulty. I pray my son will eventually see God again for the omniscient Father that He is, and will begin to have hope for the future again. I pray my husband will not give up hope either and that he'll stay strong throughout the coming years. I pray that I will be the candle that continues to shine in this darkness to show my family---my girls especially---that God is good.
One thing more: In a recent talk I had with Dale, I discovered something amazing. Back before the accident at age twelve, Dale had planned to be an inventor. He would fill notebooks with drawings and ideas and would talk about these plans with his best friend. The accident changed everything. He struggled so much with school and walking and even holding a pencil to write. I just assumed his dream of inventing things went by the wayside; I also assumed it was just a little boy's dream. Do you know, Dale still has that dream inside him? You should have seen his face light up when he was telling me about some of his ideas! I want to find some way to help him achieve this dream. This may be the catalyst that spurs him to action (literally) again, that pulls him out of his despair, that sets him on a path to hope and God. I went to Wal-Mart and purchased him another notebook and set it on the table with a pen "just in case he had another idea he wanted to jot down." This is something I would like to request specific prayer for: that Dale could somehow be granted the gift of bringing one of his ideas or inventions to life. I don't know how or when this could happen, but I would love to have others praying with me about this.
James 1:17 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."
